What do computers and air conditioners have in common? they both become useless when you open windows.
A testing engineer... walks into a bar, runs into a bar, crawls into a bar, dances into a bar, tiptoes into a bar, rams into a bar, jumps into a bar, slides into a bar, stumbles into a bar, looks into a bar, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..........and still doesn't notice that the bar is missing its top....
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. the bartender says "i'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". the guy says "in that case, better make it a double."
If jesus invented a programming language... 1) every program shall start with an include dad 2) constructors shall be referred to as bloody mary and you shall never question it. 3) exception handling would be simpler. all exceptions shall be handled by dad 4 ) along with the try/catch constructs, there shall be a fuck-all construct that dad would be using if pissed. 5) there won’t be any none in the language. they shall henceforth be called nun but behave similarly. 6) walking on water shall be a library and the method obj.fakewalk() does it for you. 7) every function shall return twice. 8) you shall never save your code because i save. 9) all compile errors shall henceforth be called judas and runtime, satan. 10) you shall receive an email from me if you fuck up. you shall never hear any voices, fool. 11) those who write best programs shall get to see me performing on sundays. 12) you shall not allocate/deallocate memory, dad does it 13) the method obj.nail_it() shall terminate your program. forever! 14) you shall never run your program after 9 pm. i sleep. 15) christmas is when all your programs run even without writing them. 16) all statements will end with a † and not ; 17) nobody gets to use ‘sleep’ method during the easter week. 18) model will be known as magdaline, view as vanity and controller as catholic in any mvc framework. 19) cron jobs shall be called resurrectors.
An engineer and an mba went camping and shared a tent. in the middle of the night, the engineer woke up the mba and said "you see those stars? what do you make of it?" mba: "i know everything about stars .... blah blah i know everything about the universe .... blah blah i know everything about galaxies ..... blah blah i know everything about the big bang ..... blah blah .... .... (condescendingly) well, what do *you* make of it?" engineer: "someone stole our tent"
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. a full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
Context: my teammate wrote some code related to db caching & pool of strings. so we were debugging the code & here is the conversation: teammate1: yar akhir ye string, pool me kyu nahi jaa rhi ? (man, why the hell , this string is not going into the pool.) teammate2: abe , bahut thand hai na , isiliye nahi jaa rhi . (because, it's very cold.) everybody burst out laughing. ps: it was winters season that time.
"some people, when confronted with a problem, think "i know, i'll use regular expressions." now they have two problems."
A lady: can't you see the warning? smoking is injurious to health! computer programmer: we bother only about errors, not warnings!
Two unemployed lisp programmers, with only a few coins between them, are in line in the cafeteria. the first looks to the second and says, "splitp soup?"