Bar Jokes Messages

Vodka is scary. it looks like water, but transforms you into an emotional mess with no filter!

Success seems quite near with a chilled beer!.

Beer makes you wiser.
Even akbar's wisest adviser was beerbal!

The "buffalo theory" of beer.. a herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. this natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. in much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. in this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. you have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. your job is interfering with your drinking. your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. your career won't progress beyond senator from massachusetts. the back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. you sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? i think not! two hands and just one mouth.. now that's a drinking problem! you can focus better with one eye closed. the parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. you fall off the floor.. your twin sons are named barley and hops. hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. at aa meetings you begin: 'hi my name is.. uh..' your idea of cutting back is less salt. you wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. the whole bar says 'hi' when you come in.. you think the four basic food groups are caffeine, nicotine, alchohol, and [women or men]. every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. roseanne looks good. don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. that damned pink elephant followed me home again. i'm as sober as a judge. the shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. you wake up screaming 'toro toro toro!' in the middle of the night.

After the great britain beer festival, in london, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. the guy from corona sits down and says "hey sen~or, i would like the world's best beer, a corona." the bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. the guy from budweiser says "i'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'the king of beers, a budweiser." the bartender gives him one. the guy from coors says i'd like the only beer made with rocky mountain spring water, give me a coors." he gets it. the guy from guinness sits down and says "give me a coke." the bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. the other brewery presidents look over at him and ask why aren't you drinking a guinness?" the guinness president replies well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will i."

A drunk walks into a bar and says, bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." so, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. the drunk says, "i haven't got it." the bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. the very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." the bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. he pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. again, the drunk says, "i haven't got it." the bartender can't believe it. he picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. the next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." in disgust, the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?" the drunk replies, " nope! you get too violent when you drink."

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. he sat down next to a priest. the drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. he opened his newspaper and started reading. a couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "father, what causes arthritis?" "it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "imagine that", the drunk muttered. he returned to reading his paper. the priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to come on so strong. how long have you had arthritis?" i don't have arthritis, father," the drunk said, " but i just read in the paper that the pope does.

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. the first guy said, "hey, i'll bet you a million bucks that i can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!" being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, "you're on!" so the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. "wow," screamed the 2nd guy, "that was incredible. do it again!" so the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. "that is remarkable. do it one more time!" "ok," said the first guy, "but if i do it again, when i come back you have to do it." the second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. "your turn," he said. so the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. "this is easy. he did it, so can i!" the much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. he fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. the bartender remarked, "you sure are mean when you're drunk, superman!"

In an aeroplane, after a series of 4-5 heavy drinks : british : i will sleep now. american : i want to work on internet. german : i will watch movies now. ch inese : i will listen to music now. indian: ab tera bhai plane chalayega...!!!!!

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. why of course, comes the reply. the first man then asks: where are you from? i'm from ireland, replies the second man. the first man responds: you don't say, i'm from ireland too! let's have another round to ireland. of course, replies the second man. curious, the first man then asks: where in ireland are you from? dublin, comes the reply. i can't believe it, says the first man. i'm from dublin too! let's have another drink to dublin. of course, replies the second man. curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: what school did you go to? saint mary's, replies the second man. i graduated in 62. this is unbelievable! the first man says. i went to saint mary's and i graduated in '62, too! about that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. what's been going on? he asks the bartender. nothing much, replies the bartender. the o'malley twins are drunk again.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. he swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. he gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. this goes on for at least an hour and a half. finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "i know it's none of my business buddy, but i have to ask. why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "well," slurred the man, "there's a picture of my wife in my pocket. when she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home.