Programmer Jokes Jokes

Chuck norris programming jokes : when chuck norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room. all arrays chuck norris declares are of infinite size, because chuck norris knows no bounds. chuck norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up. chuck norris writes code that optimizes itself. chuck norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal. chuck norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .dispose(), he calls .dropkick(). chuck norris’s first program was kill -9. all browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue. chuck norris can write infinite recursion functions… and have them return. chuck norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him. “it works on my machine” always holds true for chuck norris. whiteboards are white because chuck norris scared them that way. chuck norris doesn’t do burn down charts, he does smack down charts. chuck norris can delete the recycling bin. chuck norris’s beard can type 140 wpm. chuck norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert. chuck norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing. chuck norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a ctrl key because nothing controls chuck norris. when chuck norris is web surfing websites get the message “warning: internet explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. proceed?”.

Me : “[company] tech support, how may i help you?” caller : “hi, i’ve got a problem. your program is telling me to get a pet snake. i don’t want one.” me : “excuse me?” caller : “it’s giving me a message telling me i need a snake to run it.” me : “read the message to me please.” caller : “error: python required to run script.”

A geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from la to ny. the geologist leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. the engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. the geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. he explains, "i ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. then you ask me a question, and if i don't know the answer, i'll pay you $5." again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. the geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "ok, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if i don't know the answer, i'll pay you $50!" this catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. the geologist asks the first question. "what's the distance from the earth to the moon?" the engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the geologist. now, it's the engineer's turn. he asks the geologist, "what goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" the geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. he takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. he taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress. frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. after about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. the engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. the geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "well, so what's the answer?" without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging monday's code. - christopher thompson

Beware of bugs in the above code; i have only proved it correct, not tried it.

Perl – the only language that looks the same before and after encryption. - keith bostic

For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. and then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. they are, in short, a perfect match. - bill bryson

I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because i can no longer figure out how to use my telephone. - bjarne stroustrup

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. so far, the universe is winning. - rick cook

Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. there are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris. - larry wall

There are two ways of constructing a software design. one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. - c.a.r. hoare

A wife calls her programmer husband and tells him, "when you're coming home, buy some apples, and if you encounter a hamburger shop, buy one. after returning, the wife angrily says : "why did you just buy one apple?" husband replies : "i saw a hamburger shop."