A programming team developes true ai capable of thinking, reasoning, and feeling. they wrote all the codeAaf in scheme they go to their project manager and tell him of their invention and invite him to come talk to it. he agrees and sits down at the terminal they point to. he types: hello and it replies: (hello) he types: how are you? it replies: ((i'm fine, thanks)(how are you?)) the pm gets up and tells the team he hates the program and that he's ending the project. the team starts pleading with him, asking how he could hate a true ai capable of feelings and reason. they tell him it can think, solve problems, and even work as a member of the team. the pm replies, "yes, but it talks with a lisp."
Software developers like to solve problems. if there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Life before the computer an application was for employment a program was a tv show a cursor used profanity a keyboard was a piano! memory was something that you lost with age a cd was a bank account and if you had a 3-inch floppy you hoped nobody found out! compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile! log on was adding wood to a fire hard drive was a long trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode! cut - you did with a pocket knife paste you did with glue a web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu! i guess i'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head i hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!
A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames. a few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. the programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.
A mathematician asks an engineer a question, "here are 5 birds in the tree, if i shoot one, how many are left?" the engineer answers, "0, since the birds will all fly away when they hear the gunshot." "the correct answer is 4, but i like the way you think" said the mathematician. the engineer then says, "well then, i will ask you a question. three women are sitting on the park bench eating ice cream. the first one is licking it, the second one swallows the ice cream and starts sucking on the cone, the third takes a bite out of the ice cream, which one is married?" the mathematician blushes and answers: "the second one?" the engineer then says, "wrong, the answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but i like the way you think."
An optimist person will say that the glass is half-full. a pessimist person will say that the glass is half-empty. a programmer will say that the glass is twice as large as necessary.
A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staking out an empty house. they see two people walk in. later, they see three people walk out. the biologist says, "they must have multiplied!" the engineer says, "i think it was measurement error." the mathematician says, "now, if exactly one person walks into the house, it will have zero people in it again."
A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. he rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “i am the most powerful genie in the world. i can grant you any wish, but only one wish.” the programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “i’d want peace in the middle east.” the genie responds, “gee, i don’t know. those people have been fighting for millenia. i can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.” the programmer then says, “well, i am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.” at which point the genie responds, “um, let me see that map again.”
Three programmers meet accidentally at the urinal while attending a technical conference. the first programmer finishes up his business, washes his hands with loads of water, walks over to the towels and uses almost the entire roll to dry his hands. he turns to the other two and says "at microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough." the second programmer finishes up, walks over to the sink and washes his hands with much less water, then uses a single towel to dry his hands. he remarks to the other two "at ibm, we are trained not only to be very thorough, but also very efficient." the third programmer finishes his business, walks right past the sink and towel rack and lauds over his shoulder as he walks out the door: "at apple we don't piss on our hands!"
A mathematician, a physicist, a civil engineer, and a computer programmer are asked (after a few beers) to show that all odd numbers greater than 1 are prime. mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, by induction they're all prime. physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime -- clearly, they're all prime. civil engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime -- sure, they're all prime. programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime......