Lawyer: your honour, please grant me anticipatory bail. judge: what have you done? lawyer: your honour, i have hired a new secretary!
You seem to be in some distress, said the kindly judge to the witness. is anything the matter? well, your honour, said the witness, i swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time i try, some lawyer objects!
Lawyer: what did your husband do before you divorced him? woman: a lot of things i didn't know about!
Lawyer: you want a divorce because your husband is careless about his appearance? woman: yes, he hasn't showed up in 18 months!
Woman: my husband has flat feet. is that grounds for divorce? lawyer: not unless his feet visit the wrong flat.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in holes 20 feet deep? because deep down, they're all nice guys.