You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life? because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. she takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "you know that fur coat you promised me? i bought it with the insurance money. you know the new car you promised me? i bought it with the insurance money." then she whispers, "you know that blowjob i promised you? well, here it comes..."
A share broker caught his wife in bed with her boyfriend, shocked he asked his wife, "what are you doing with him?" his wife replied, "darling, i've gone public!"
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? divorce proceedings, most likely!
How do you know when your wife is really dead? your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger!
On the 1st night after marriage: wife: please, let's spend our 1st night 'understanding' each other. husband: darling, something 'under' is already 'standing' for you! men will be men.
Husband asked his wife while performing: husband: honey, why do i get all my great ideas in bed only? wife: because at that time you're plugged into a genius!
I told my wife that wearing a mask is really uncomfortable. she laughed and told me to try wearing a bra for a day!