Programmer Jokes Jokes

One day a novice came to the master. "master," he said, "how is it that i may become a writer of programs?". the master looked solemnly at the novice. "have you
in your possession a compiler of source code?" the master asked. "no," replied the novice. the master sent the novice on a quest to the store of software. many hours later the novice returned. "master," he said, "how is it that i may become a writer of programs?". the master looked solemnly at the novice. "have you in your possession a compiler of source code?" the master asked. "yes," replied the novice. the master frowned at the novice. "you have a compiler of source. what now can prevent you from becoming a writer of programs?". the novice fidgeted nervously and presented his compiler of source to the master. "how is this used?" asked the novice. "have you in your possession a manual of operation?" the master asked. "no," replied the novice. the master instructed the novice as to where he could find the manual of operation. many days later the novice returned. "master," he said, "how is it that i may become a writer of programs?". the master looked solemnly at the novice. "have you in your possession a compiler of source code?" the master asked. "yes," replied the novice. "have you in your possession a manual of operation?" the master asked. "yes," replied the novice. the master frowned at the novice. "you have a compiler of source, and a manual of operation. what now can prevent you from becoming a writer of programs?". at this the novice fidgeted nervously and presented his manual of operations to the master. "how is this used?" asked the novice. the master closed his eyes, and heaved a great sigh. the master sent the novice on a quest to the school of elementary. many years later the novice returned. "master," he said, "how is it that i may become a writer of programs?". the master looked solemnly at the novice. "have you in your possession a compiler of source code, a manual of operation and an education of elementary?" the master asked. "yes," replied the novice. the master frowned at the novice. "what then can prevent you from becoming a writer of programs?". the novice fidgeted nervously. he looked around but could find nothing to present to the master. the master smiled at the novice. "i see what problem plagues you." said the master. "oh great master, please tell me." asked the novice. the master turned the novice toward the door, and with a supportive hand on his shoulder said, "go young novice, and read the f***ing manual." and so the novice became enlightened.

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If computer languages were car : - c is a racing car that goes incredibly fast but breaks down every fifty miles. - c++ is a souped-up racing car with dozens of extra features that only breaks down every 250 miles, but when it does, nobody can figure out what went wrong. - java is a family station wagon. it's easy to drive, it's not too fast, and you can't hurt yourself. - c# is a competing model of family station wagons. once you use this, you're never allowed to use the competitors' products again. - lisp looks like a car, but with enough tweaking you can turn it into a pretty effective airplane or submarine. - perl is supposed to be a pretty cool car, but the driver's manual is incomprehensible. also, even if you can figure out how to drive a perl car, you won't be able to drive anyone else's. - python is a great beginner's car; you can drive it without a license. unless you want to drive really fast or on really treacherous terrain, you may never need another car. - ruby is a car that was formed when the perl, python and smalltalk cars were involved in a three-way collision. a japanese mechanic found the pieces and put together a car which many people think was better than the sum of the parts. - fortran is a pretty primitive car; it'll go very quickly as long as you are only going along roads that are perfectly straight. it is believed that learning to drive a fortran car makes it impossible to learn to drive any other model. - cobol is reputed to be a car, but no self-respecting driver will ever admit having driven one. - assembly language is a bare engine; you have to build the car yourself and manually supply it with gas while it's running, but if you're careful it can go like a bat out of hell.

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A poem based on e. a. poe's the raven. by anonymous : once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, system manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still i sat there doing spreadsheets. having reached the bottom line i took a floppy from the drawer i then invoked the save command and waited for the disk to store, only this and nothing more. deep into the monitor peering, long i sat there wond'ring, fearing. doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. but the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "save!" i said, "you cursed mother! save my data from before!" one thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, just, "abort, retry, ignore?" was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? these were choices undesired, ones i'd never faced before. carefully i weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. the cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. clearly i must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, from "abort, retry, ignore?" with fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, praying for some guarantee, timidly, i pressed a key. but on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, saying "abort, retry, ignore?" i tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. i pleaded with the cursed machine: i begged and cried and then i swore. now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. reading, "abort, retry, ignore?" there i sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. getting up i turned away and paced across the office floor. and then i saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. a gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. the lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. not even, "abort, retry, ignore?" to this day i do not know the place to which lost data go. what demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored, beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? but sure as there's c, pascal, lotus, ashton-tate and more, you will be one day be left to wander, lost on some plutonian shore, pleading, "abort, retry, ignore?"

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