Software : 0% documentation 1% off-by-dne-errors. 3 % soap 4 % cya 6% code 6% aeropress 8% arguments about duck typing. 8% wearing a cape to work. 10% tests (1% useful) 10% diva bullshit. 14% tech debt. 14% copy & paste stack overflow. 17% getting defensive about code reviews.
Guide to software developers job advertisements : 1. work on cutting edge technology (do what everyone else is doing) 2. a fast-paced environment (your job will be constant firefighting) 3. must be a team player (must not question authority) 4. able to work with minimal supervision (you’ll be the one we blame when something goes wrong) 5. an agile team (we have daily stand-ups) 6. a market leader (recently started making a profit) 7. rockstar developer (you will work very long hours with impossible deadlines) 8. we have an urgent need (our other rockstar just left and no one understands the code) 9. dynamic environment (our leadership keeps changing priorities) 10. self-starter (we have no process) 11. passionate (perseveres through regular death marches)
Guy : hey! what's your address? programmer : 173.168.15.10 guy : no man. your local address. programmer : 127.0.0.1 guy : oh! you geeky nerd!!! i mean your physical address. programmer : 29:01:38:62:31:58 guy : kill me some one !
I don't expect anything in return this valentine's because you're my public static void main(string [ ] args) { }
Facts about programming : #fact 1 the root is at the top of the tree. #fact 2 counting starts from zero, not one. #fact 3 a parent may kill its children if the task assigned to them is no longer needed. #fact 4 most of the hacking scenes in movies are complete bullshit. #fact 5 when you format your hard drive, the files are not deleted. #fact 6 that '=' != '==' #fact 7 that windows desktop's "refresh" button is not some magical tool which keeps your computer healthy. #fact 8 that 1 mbps and 1 mbps internet connection don't mean the same thing. #fact 9 the value of a semicolon ;
What's the difference between an enterprise software salesperson and a used car dealer? the used car dealer knows when he's lying.
Why did the chicken cross the road? assembler chicken : first, it builds the road ...... c chicken : it crosses the road without looking both ways. c++ chicken : the chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you' d simply refer to him on the other side. cobol chicken : 0001-chicken-crossing. if no-more-vehicles then perform 0010-cross-the-road varying steps from 1 by 1 until on-the-other-side else go to 0001-chicken-crossing cray chicken : crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side frazzled. delphi chicken : the chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. gopher chicken : tried to run but got beaten by the web chicken. intel pentium chicken : the chicken crossed 4.9999978 times. iomega chicken : the chicken should have ' backed up' before crossing. java chicken : if your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, then the server will download one to the other side. (of course, those are chicklets.) see also wmi monitor. linux chicken : don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do! mac chicken : no reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it how to cross the road. newton chicken : can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket. oop chicken : it doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. os/2 chicken : it crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. microsoft's chicken : it's already on both sides of the road. what's more its just bought the road. windows 95 chicken : you see different colored feathers while it crosses, but when you cook it still tastes like........ chicken. quantum logic chicken : the chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice. vb chicken : ushighways! (achicken) xp chicken jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. the longhorn chicken had an identity crisis and is now calling itself vista. the vista chicken dazzled itself with its own graphics.