Drug dealers: 1) refer to their clients as "users". 2) "the first one's free!" 3) have important south-east asian connections (to help move the stuff). 4) strange jargon: "stick", "rock", "dime bag," "e". 5) realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. 6) job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. 7) often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. 8) their product causes unhealthy addictions. 9) do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. software developers: 1) refer to their clients as "users". 2) "download a free trial version..." 3) have important south-east asian connections (to help debug the code). 4) strange jargon: "scsi", "isdn", "java", "rtfm" 5) realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. 6) job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines. 7) often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists. 8) their product causes unhealthy addictions - doom. quake. simcity. duke nukem 3d. damn! damn! damn!!!
Three men are talking : a programmer, a doctor, and a lawyer. the lawyer says, "man, the only way is to have a mistress. with all these divorce suits, it's terrible." the doctor says, "are you kidding? with all the stds out there, you want a wife and that's it." the programmer says, "you need both a wife and a mistress. because when you're not with the mistress, she'll assume you're with your wife, and when you're not with your wife, she'll assume you're with your mistress, and that leaves you more time to be in the lab programming!"
Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a klingon programmer : 1) specifications are for the weak and timid! 2) you question the worthiness of my code? i should kill you where you stand! 3) indentation? i will show you how to indent when i indent your skull! 4) what is this talk of release? klingons do not release software. our software escapes leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake. 5) klingon function calls do not have parameters - they have arguments - and they always win them. 6) debugging? klingons do not debug. our software does not coddle the weak. 7) a true klingon warrior does not comment on his code! 8) klingon software does not have bugs. it has features, and those features are too sophisticated for a romulan pig like you to understand. 9) you cannot truly appreciate dilbert unless you've read it in the original klingon. 10) our users will know fear and cower before our software! ship it! ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
The consultant's exam : q1 : how do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? (answer: open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. ) q2 : how do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? (and no, it is not "open the refigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator?") (answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.) this tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. q3 : the lion king is hosting an animal conference. all the animals attend, except one. which animal does not attend? (answer: the elephant. the elephant is in the refrigerator.) this tests your memory. q4 : there is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. how do you manage it? (answer: you just jump into the river and swim across. all the crocodiles are attending the lion king's meeting.)
Two threads walk into a bar. the barkeeper looks up and yells, "hey, i don't want any conditions race like time last!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. the first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on. the bartender looks at the line going out the door,turns to the line and says "you guys suck!". then he pours two beers and walks away.
The first poem written for computers : <>!*''# ^"`$$- !*=@$_ %*<>~4 &[]../ |{,,system halted for you somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names) : waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, bang splat equal at dollar under-score, percent splat waka waka tilde number four, ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma crash ~4 &[];url=http://www.totaltashan.com//post/u/jokes/English/Programmer-Jokes/the-first-poem-written-for-computers-^`-_-4-[]-programmerjokes-english-funny-joke-lol/")'> ~4 &[] http://www.totaltashan.com//post/u/jokes/English/Programmer-Jokes/the-first-poem-written-for-computers-^`-_-4-[]-programmerjokes-english-funny-joke-lol")'>
An architect, a hooker and a programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest. "come on, you guys! everyone knows mine is the oldest profession," said the hooker. "ah," said the architect, "but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?" "what are you getting at, god?" the hooker asked. "and was he not the divine architect of the universe?" the architect asked, looking smug. the programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. "and before god took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?" "darkness and chaos," the hooker said. "and who do you think created chaos?" the programmer said.