Q: what makes a man happy? a: daughter is on the cover of vogue, son on the cover of sports illustrated, mistress on the cover of playboy and wife on the cover of missing persons.
A husband and a wife were fighting about their sex life. the hubby complains, "you never tell me when you are having an orgasm?" the wife replies, "how can i? you are never here."
Bride's dad hands a note to the groom: goods delivered are not returnable. groom gave another note back to the father: contract void if the seal is broken.
A lady was having tremendous pain while trying to deliver a baby. the husband prayed to god, "oh lord, please make the hole loose for the baby and then tight again for the daddy".
Restaurant advertisement: we serve food as hot as your neighbour's wife; and beer as cold as your own!
Two friends met after a long time. 1st: so, how's your sex life? 2nd: i don't have any. 1st: oh my god! you got married and never told me about it.
Wives are good at only 2 things - cooking and f**king! no jokes! you never know what's cooking in their heads; and you'll never know when they start f**king your happiness!
What's the big deal in same sex marriages? i've been married to the same woman for 25 years and had the same old sex all that time!
I've been married to my wife ten years today. having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication. . .. ... i don't know how she does it!
A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "now mike, i want you to take off my blouse!" "good!" "now i also want you to take off my bra." "good..." "now can you take off my panties." "very good! now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"