A guy brings a alpaca home , tells his wife it's a pet. she asks , "where are you going to keep it?" he replies , "in the bedroom." "but what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. "i got used to you , i'm sure he will too!"
A man and his pet alpaca walk into a bar. it's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. they start off slowly, watching tv, drinking beer, eating peanuts. as the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. finally, the bartender says: "last call." so, the man says, "one more for me... and one more for my alpaca." the bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. suddenly, the alpaca falls over dead. the man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. the bartender, yells: "hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." to which the man replies: "that's not a lion, that's a alpaca."
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a alpaca sitting next to him. "are you a alpaca?" asked the man, surprised. "yes." "what are you doing at the movies?" the alpaca replied, "well, i liked the book."
The animals were bored. finally, the lion had an idea. "i know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. i've seen it on t.v." he proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. they went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. the lion's team received. they were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. the mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. he caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. first, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. he gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0. late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. the lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. in the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk. "look you guys. we can win this game. we've got the lead and they only have one real threat. we've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino." the second half began. just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. first, he stomped two gazelles. he skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. it looked like he was home free. suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. there were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. the lion went over to see what had happened. right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. "did you do this?" he asked the centipede. "yeah, i did." the centipede replied. the lion retorted, "where were you during the first half?" "i was putting on my shoes."
Q: what is the difference between a cat and a comma? a: one has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.