An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. a month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. a month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "but i think i know where i'm going wrong, said the idiot, "i think i'm planting them too deep.
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to fido, the family dog. when asked why by her former employer, she answered, i never forget a friend. this was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!
A bloke walks into a pub with a frog on his head. the bar attendant asks. what's that on your head? the frog says. "i don't know, it started out as a wart on my bum!"
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. both are dragging their right foot as they walk. as they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, vietnam, 1969." the other points his thumb behind him and says, "dog crap, 20 feet back."
Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. the farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day. the next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "sorry, son, but i have some bad news. the donkey died." "well, just return my money to me," kenny said. "sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "i already spent it." "ok then, just unload the donkey," said kenny. "whatcha gonna do with him?" asked the farmer. "i'm going to raffle him off," kenny replied. "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed. "of course i can," replied kenny. "watch me. i just won't tell anybody he is dead." a few weeks later, the farmer met up with kenny and asked, "so, what happened with the dead donkey?" "i raffled him off. i sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained kenny. "didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer. "just the guy who won. so, i gave him his two dollars back," kenny proudly replied.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. in order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. the brunette balances their checkbook, t hen takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. upon leaving, she tells her sister, "when i get there, if i decide to buy the bull, i'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." the brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. the man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. after paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. she walks into the telegraph office, and says, "i want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that i've bought a bull for our ranch. i need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." the telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "it's just 99 cents a word." well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. after thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "i want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" the telegraph operator shakes his head. "how is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" the brunette explains, "my sister's blonde. she'll read it slow.
There once was this blonde riding a horse. after a while it began to speed up. she was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. after a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. she then fell off the side and got her foot caught. the horse was now dragging her. she finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. finally, the horse came to a complete stop. thank goodness that the manager of the k-mart came out and shut the machine off.
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. his partner says, "what are you doing? you can't outrun a bear!" his friend replies, "i don't have to outrun the bear, i only have to outrun you!"
Two men went bear hunting. while one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. he soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. he ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. the man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "you skin this one while i go and get another!"
Customer: do you have and cockroaches? clerk: yes we sell them to the fisherman. customer: i would like 20,000 of them. clerk: what would you want with 20,000 cockroaches? customer: im moving tomorrow and my lease says i must leave my apartment in the condition in which i found it.
Guest: "why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" hotel host: "i can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from.