8:30 am programmer 1 : stupid bug... 7 hours later programmer 1 : it must be a linux! the next day programmer 1 : java's broken? programmer 2 : hey, bob. looks like you forgot a semicolon.
Comments inside a program file : // // dear maintainer : // // once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine' // and have realized what a terrible mistake that was, // please increment the following counter as a warning // to the next guy : // // total_hours_wasted_here = 42 //
Manager : biology is largely solved. dna is the source code for our bodies. now that gene sequencing is easy, we just have to read it. programmer : it's not just "source code". there's a ton of feedback and external processing. programmer : but even if it were, dna is the result of the most aggressive optimization process in the universe, running in parallel at every level, in every living thing, for four billion years. manager : it's still just code. programmer : ok, try opening google.com and clicking "view source". manager : ok, i... oh my god. programmer : that's just a few years of optimization by google devs. dna is thousands of times longer and way, way worse. manager : wow, biology is impossible.
Programmer 1 : hey, wanna come to this party tonight? programmer 2 : sure, what's the address? programmer 1 : 131.170.77.92
The shredder : a young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 pm. when he found the ceo standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "listen"', said the ceo, " this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. can you make this thing work?" "certainly", said the young engineer. he turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "excellent, excellent!" said the ceo as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "i just need one copy" lesson : never, never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Manager : we need more programmers boss : use agile programming methods. manager : agile programming doesn't just mean doing more work with fewer people. boss : find me some words that do mean that and ask again.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning : "windows frozen, won't open." husband texts back : "gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with a hammer." wife texts back 10 minutes later : "computer really messed up now."
Programs are like women, no matter how much you get mad because of errors, you are always the one who is wrong