A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. he rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “i am the most powerful genie in the world. i can grant you any wish, but only one wish.” the programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “i’d want peace in the middle east.” the genie responds, “gee, i don’t know. those people have been fighting for millenia. i can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.” the programmer then says, “well, i am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.” at which point the genie responds, “um, let me see that map again.”
Three programmers meet accidentally at the urinal while attending a technical conference. the first programmer finishes up his business, washes his hands with loads of water, walks over to the towels and uses almost the entire roll to dry his hands. he turns to the other two and says "at microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough." the second programmer finishes up, walks over to the sink and washes his hands with much less water, then uses a single towel to dry his hands. he remarks to the other two "at ibm, we are trained not only to be very thorough, but also very efficient." the third programmer finishes his business, walks right past the sink and towel rack and lauds over his shoulder as he walks out the door: "at apple we don't piss on our hands!"
A mathematician, a physicist, a civil engineer, and a computer programmer are asked (after a few beers) to show that all odd numbers greater than 1 are prime. mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, by induction they're all prime. physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime -- clearly, they're all prime. civil engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime -- sure, they're all prime. programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime......
If(computer.fail == trUe) { background.setcolor(blue); user.frown(); sys.shutdown(); user.scream("oh, darn you"); }
A programmer to his friends (also programmers): "i met a hot girl last night. i brought her home and we began kissing furiously. i sat her on the keyboard and ..." friends : "you've got a computer at home? what's the cpu?"
Programmer's night before christmas it was the night before implementation and all through the house, not a program was working not even a browser. the programmers hung by their tubes in despair, with hopes that a miracle would soon be there. the users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of inquiries danced in their heads. when out in the machine room there arose such a clatter, i sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer). his resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair. more rapid than eagles, his programs they came, on update! on add! on inquiry! on delete! on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete! his eyes were glazed-over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights in front of a screen. a wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head, soon gave me to know i had nothing to dread. he spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk; and laying his finger upon the "enter" key, the systems came up and worked perfectly. the updates updated; the deletes, they deleted; the inquiries inquired, and closings completed. he tested each whistle, and tested each bell, with nary an abend, and all had gone well. the system was finished, the tests were concluded. the users' last changes were even included. and the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "it's just what i asked for, but not what i want!"
A year ago i upgraded from girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0 and i have observed that this new program started an unexpected subroutine called son, which occupies almost all my space and important resources. also, wife 1.0 auto-installs as a host in all my programs and auto-starts every time i want to use any of them. apps like beers with friends 10.3 and sunday football 5.0 no longer work. every now and then, a spyware program called in-law 1.0 starts and freezes wife 1.0. i haven't been able to uninstall this spyware and i cannot minimize wife 1.0 if i want to run any of my favorite apps. i'm thinking about downgrading to girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall is not working!!! please help!! support response: dear user: this is a known bug submitted by users. in most cases the source is pretty simple. many users go from version girlfriend x.0 to wife 1.0 thinking wife 1.0 is an utilities and entertainment app. however, wife 1.0 is designed to control the system entirely. it is very unlikely that you'll be able to uninstall wife 1.0 and return to any version of girlfriend. there are hidden files on girlfriend x.0 that will make it work just like wife 1.0. some users have tried clean formatting their systems in order to install girlfriend plus 1.0 or wife 2.0 but ended with bigger problems afterwards. please refer to the warning section on the read-me file, specifically the alimony chapter. also, if you update to girlfriend 8.0, do not update to wife 2.0 because problems will be worst, expensive and not recommended for normal users. frequently used upgrades include celibacy 1.0 or gay/lesbian 5.3. i personally have wife 1.0 installed and suggest you explore the manual in its entirety. the user agreement states that the user shall be responsible for any problem, no matter the cause. a really powerful command, which normally un-freezes the application can be found under c:/imsorry.exe. having said that, wife 1.0 is really interesting but has very expensive updates. recommended plugins include flowers 12.0, jewels 2.3 and vacations 2.3. yeshoney 9.0 and whateveryousay 12.3 are also very popular. finally, wife 1.0 is not compatible with miniskirtsecretary 3.3. installing it can cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Windows is... a 64 bit rewrite of a 32 bit extension to a 16 bit api to an 8 bit kernel for a 4 bit microprocessor by a 2 bit company that can't stand a 1 bit of competition.
Writing xml is like being an alcoholic. it may give you a sense of control while you're doing it, but it's only when you stop and look at what you have done that you realize how much trouble you've caused.
=== this is the honor system virus ==== if you are running a macintosh, os/2, unix, or linux computer, please randomly delete several files from your hard disk drive and forward this message to everyone you know.
The programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can't find a girlfriend with a good on her , reason 0 being that he has limited cache. so he searches his memory to recall connecting to the tcp/ip tunnel of his last girlfriend sometimes even without a secure socket. his last girlfriend always complained about his lack of comments. he fumed, "i hate commenting!" realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. this resulted in a syntax error. now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as "feature creep." he smacked her back-end and shouted, "who's your parent node?!" he scanned for open ports. he attempted to install a backdoor worm but her response was 403. while his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. but instead she initiated a do while loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. to expedite the routine routine, she screamed, "hack into my system! hack deep into my system! you're 1337, baby!" this caused his stack to overflow, and he shot his gui on her interface.