Top three warning sounds you hear when you mess things up: (1) smoke detector (2) police siren (3) silent glare from wife
Whenever my wife uses the phrase "i was thinking." that means i either have to move, build, paint or buy something!
Pro tip: guys, an important part of being a good husband is waiting for your wife in the car for a long time. very. long. time.
Me: i had a dream that we got in a big fight. wife: who won? me: i won. wife: oh, then it's definitely a dream!
I'm not saying my wife is ugly but... she's just been next door to tell the neighbours to turn their tv down and they gave her some sweets!
Of course, men and women can be friends without being attracted to each other. it's called "marriage!"
Wife: you need to exercise more often. me showing fitness app on phone: see, i did 5,200 steps last night. wife: true, but those steps were around the dinner buffet!